I have spent a lot of time this week, talking with clients about how they like to be recognised by others and the familiar ways in which they look for this recognition that can be both healthy and unhealthy in it’s application. I wanted to share here an essay I wrote a few years back about recognition (or as we say in Transactional Analysis speak, Strokes). Strokes are really important to us all. Have you ever noticed how a dog can look so content when you stroke him in that one special place? Normally behind the ears! If you have learnt to get your Strokes in an unhealthy way, therapy can be a time to address this and create some change so you can allow yourself to receive positive Strokes or recognition too.

 

I hope you will find the information below useful.

 

Strokes and Why They Matter.

Transactional Analysis employs the term ‘strokes’ to denote any form of social inter-action where another’s presence is recognised. Therefore any transaction is also an exchange of strokes. While the general term ‘stroking’ might be used to imply close, physical contact, in reality and practise it may present in a number of varied forms. Berne maintained that, due to the very nature of our creation and early childhood, strokes were something required by every individual and something leading to feelings of depravation if not received. An individual’s need for strokes is highlighted in his book ‘Games People Play’ where he writes; ‘If you are not stroked, your spinal cord will shrivel up. Hence, after the period of close intimacy with the mother is over, the individual for the rest of his life is confronted with a dilemma upon whose horns his destiny and survival are continually being tossed.One horn is the social, psychological and biological forces which stand in the way of continued physical intimacy in the infant style; the other is his perpetual striving for its attainment’. (Berne, Games People Play, 1964, p14)

Berne adopted the word ‘strokes’ because it referred to the infants need to be physically touched however it is also a need present in the individual as a grown-up. Berne, described certain hungers,  universally experience by all, and one of these is recognition hunger, the need to be recognised. Since physical stroking is not always an option for the grown-up, he learns to substitute certain other forms of recognition, such as a compliment or a wave of the hand, for the physical need to be stroked. Berne also acknowledged the individuals need for stimulation, both physical and mental and referred to this as stimulation hunger. A stroke, therefore, in the simplest of terms is a transaction which provides the individual with either stimulation or recognition.

(Image courtesy of africa FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

 

The strokes that we receive can be divided into several different categories, these being; verbal, non-verbal, positive, negative and conditional and unconditional. Verbal strokes can be anything from a quick ‘Hello’ between neighbours over the garden fence to a full blown conversation between good friends while non-verbal strokes range from a nod of the head to a hand shake or a hug. Generally most transactions, exchange of strokes, comprise both those of a verbal and those of a non-verbal nature. Positive strokes, by definition, are strokes that leave the recipient feeling good and provide a positive experience while those of a negative nature are exchanges that one may describe as painful in which the recipient is left feeling perhaps hurt or ‘not ok’. In ‘Games People Play’ Berne notes that ‘any social intercourse whatsoever has a biological advantage over no intercourse at all’. (Berne, Games People Play, 1964, p15) It may be clear to see why individuals would seek out positive strokes and steer away from negative ones, however this is not always the case. Given that the desired outcome of a stroke is the satisfaction of our stimulus or recognition hunger it appears not to matter whether the stimulus or recognition received is positive or negative. Think of a child that misbehaves in order to receive attention. The attention will more likely than not be of a negative nature, but any attention is better than no attention at all. If positive strokes are not forthcoming then one has to invent ways to receive negative ones. If a child has learnt that all he can do to provide himself with some form of recognition is behave badly he will continue to do so as, though he will not be left feeling good, he will have at least been recognised or stimulated in some way as opposed to being overlooked or stroke deprived. If we regard this theory in a clinical capacity it is important that when working with clients who demonstrate attention seeking behaviours, the therapist recognises the importance of paying attention to them. Though, perhaps not always healthy, these behaviours provide the therapist with an insight into the clients survival mechanisms, learnt from a young age, and thusly, even if these are to be worked on with a view to altering certain aspects of a clients behaviour, they should be acknowledged and respected. To this end it is important to recognise the difference between conditional strokes and unconditional strokes. In TA Today we are told that ‘a conditional stroke relates to what you do. An unconditional stroke relates to what you are’. (Stewart and Joines, TA Today, a new introduction to transactional analysis, 2006, p74) For example, ‘I love you when you are quiet and well mannered’ is a conditional stroke. It presupposes that love will be provided on the basis of good behaviour and adaptation to another’s demands. Whereas ‘I love you’, as a stroke, is unconditional, there is no demand or call for the recipient to provide anything in exchange for this stroke.

An important aspect of the work undertaken by a therapist trained in Transactional Analysis is the understanding of how a person gives and receives positive and negative strokes. Because, as infants, we test out behaviours in an attempt to see which ones provide us with strokes of any nature and equally because as adults we still have the same desire to be stroked, once we find which behaviours result in the receipt of strokes we are likely to repeat this behaviour. The more we repeat the behaviour, the more strokes we receive, thus reinforcing said behaviour. Adults will continually mould their behaviours to those that prove the most profitable in providing stokes. It becomes clear now to see why someone would continue to perpetuate behavioural patterns which appear to be damaging. If a person, from a young age has decided that they will seek out negative strokes as an alternative to feeling stroke deprived, as positive strokes were not forthcoming, they will continually find ways to provide themselves with negative strokes and as the stroking reinforces the behaviour that is stroked, so the cycle continues. It is then also possible to use this cycle to create new ways of seeking out strokes and breaking free of self harming patterns. If we were to begin to seek out positive strokes instead of negative strokes, as a grown-up, and we were to receive them with our new behaviour we would be then inclined to seek them out again, repeating this new behaviour. Changing unhealthy stroking patterns, therefore is possible and a very important goal to be undertaken by client and therapist.

Though, as Berne discovered, stroking is necessary for all individuals, it is not always something that all find easy to give or accept. In certain instances, especially if one comes from a background/family environment where positive stroking was scarce, they may find it near impossible to give any positive strokes themselves. As everybody is different everyone’s view on strokes is also. Some people may be willing to receive several negative strokes while others will find it hard to accept even one and become very hurt and upset. Some will prefer to receive conditional strokes, for example praise for a piece of work or a sporting achievement while others will desire to receive unconditional strokes. In addition to this most people will be used to getting certain strokes, positive or negative in nature and will become used to receiving these, however they may also additionally crave certain other strokes which they may seldom or never receive. For example a girl who is always complimented on her academic prowess with a verbal stroke may also crave a stroke in the form of a hug or a kiss from her mother or father. If she never receives this kind of stroke eventually she may altogether block out her need for it. This will continue into adulthood, unawares, but the need is still there underlying and unsatisfied. ‘In TA terms, we say that everybody has their preferred stroke quotient …….It’s as if each of us holds up a stroke filter between ourselves and incoming strokes. We filter out strokes selectively. We let in strokes that fit in with our preferred stroke quotient, and keep out those that don’t. In turn, our stroke quotient serves to maintain our existing picture of ourselves’. (Stewart and Joines, TA Today, a new introduction to transactional analysis, 2006, p77) Depending on their upbringing and circumstances some people may altogether filter out all positive strokes and only accept negative ones. Additionally some people with particularly troubles childhoods may find it impossible to accept any strokes at all and will have a water tight stroke filter that does not let in any strokes. Remembering what Berne has said about the spinal cord shrivelling it is then easy to see why it would be essential that they find ways of altering this and re configuring their stroke filters so they do not become completely withdrawn or depressed. Steiner said that ‘while it is possible to survive on minimal strokes, stroke scarcity is unhealthy both physically and emotionally’. (Steiner. Scripts People Live, 1974, p36)

On the subject of strokes, Steiner speaks in depth about what he coins The Stroke Economy, designed by the parent, and in turn, society at large, as a way or controlling the child and ultimately restricting the provision of strokes. ‘When strokes are then supplied, the price is high. Because the child already knows that strokes are essential to its survival it is prepared to behave in the ways demanded of him by his parents to obtain what he needs. As Berne pointed out …… control of stimulation is far more effective in manipulating human behaviour than brutality or punishment…..Most injunctions are enforced in young persons through the manipulation of strokes rather than through physical punishment; strokes become a tool of social control’. (Steiner. Scripts People Live, 1974, p110) The Stroke Economy is based on a set of five rules which parents teach their children. They are as follows; 1) Don’t give strokes if you have them to give. 2) Don’t ask for strokes when you need them. 3) Don’t accept strokes if you want them. 4) Don’t reject strokes when you don’t want them and 5) Don’t give yourself strokes. These five rules are injunctions and serve to enforce the stroke economy, ensuring stroke starvation. Thusly the free exchanging of strokes is under the control of the parental messages that have been passed down to the individual. ‘Most human beings live in a state of stroke deficit; that is, a situation in which they survive on a less-than-ideal diet of strokes’. (Steiner. Scripts People Live, 1974, p113)

(Image courtesy of bejim / FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Steiner went on to propose that a desired objective of Transactional Analysis was to become able to disregard what we have already learnt about strokes from our parents and cultural upbringing and become aware that strokes are readily available in limitless supply, can be asked for whenever desired and that no matter how many we give to others we never run out. We can also give strokes to ourselves because there is no shame in that. In ‘Scripts People Live’ Steiner tells us that the single most common complaint of those who seek therapy is depression, ranging from the mild, banal form to the acutely severe. He insists that the therapists that ask their clients why they are suffering will find that most of them will say it is because they lack close, meaningful, loving relationships or that the ones they have are not satisfactory. Steiner believed that the approach for curing depression should be to teach the client how to procure the kind of strokes they desired from the kind of person they desired them from as this was what was missing. Because what we have learnt about strokes has come from our parents and decisions made in early childhood it is wholly possible that as an adult we can re-assess these decisions and change them. It is also the case that there is a certain sense of shame involved in needing something and not being able to achieve it. This is certainly the case with strokes. In actual fact, people have specific needs for specific strokes and it is important that they learn to ask for the kinds of strokes that they want to receive.

Strokes are a necessary facet of our existence. They are important for our physical and emotional wellbeing, our personal and professional development and our very survival itself. ‘A biological chain may be postulated leading from emotional and sensory deprivation through apathy to degenerative changes and death. In this sense, stimulus hunger has the same relationship to survival of the human organism as food hunger.’ (Berne, Games People Play, 1964, p13) By insisting that human contact or strokes are as essential to our survival as food and shelter Eric Berne, and in turn Claude Steiner, created a therapeutic approach in Transactional Analysis equipped to recognise and bring about change to unhealthy stroking patterns and behaviours perpetuating these patterns with a view to providing individuals with the ability to provide for themselves the strokes they need and the power to ask them of others.

 

 

 

 

If you want to find out more about how you can change unhealthy or negative patterns in your life please feel free to contact me.

 

katycounsellingherts@outlook.com